I have taken some time out from being online too much to fully process my Nan’s death and just enjoy spending time with my little girl. She has had a four-week break from nursery so I have taken the view that I should see that as a holiday and make the most of her. She will only be so little and so wanting of my time for maybe another year and then she is a proper kid, so why not make the most of it?!
At three and a half she is at the funnest age since I’ve known her. She wants to make crafts everyday, sleep in my bed and cuddle, visit cafes for lunch and chat, its like having a proper little gal pal at my side and I am really enjoying being able to spend quality time with her. We have visited family, been to the beach, spent time with family here and gone on little adventures around the Midlands to keep her occupied and enlighten me further on my current surroundings, some of which I didn’t know existed, such as Droitwich Spa Lido. There is so much to do when you just open your eyes and look and they don’t have to cost the earth. I hate seeing young children just kept inside watching tv everyday, get them out in the fresh air and make some memories, enrich their brains and experiences a bit!
There came a point after Nan died that I started to panic and try to fix every single aspect of my broken life all at once. I became overwhelmed looking at all the options, both short-term and long-term, wanting to prove to myself and everyone around me that I could do something worthwhile and could manage on my own. When you are left for another woman, I think there is always that damage in ground in you that you are worthless, or have devalued somehow because someone has dumped you off for someone else. You especially feel that way sometimes as a single mom with a young child you know you have to put before what you might like for yourself in the future. After my Nan passed, I lost my job in a way too as her carer. She had become my daily routine along with much of my company and a huge part of my daughter’s life. I felt completely lost after she died and have not been myself even right up until the start of this week. Grief takes time.
Then on Monday morning I woke up and decided I have had enough of letting other people dictate my life. You have to reach that point of feeling at your absolute lowest for something to snap into place and for action to happen. You either, at that point, decide to stay in your lowest place, and that’s your choice, or to fight against it and make a few changes. I chose to live. I sat there and made a plan. Rather than stressing and worrying about everything, I asked myself what was wrong with me and where I was going wrong. If you don’t, at least at some point, accept that you are the key to changing your own mistake, and acknowledge that you have made them, they will never change and you will always be waiting for the answers from a magic fairy. It aint gonna happen!
I know there is no one else around me to help me as a team to work it out anymore. I am on my own with Emi and its my responsibility now to do whats best for her and me. It is down to me. I know that family have been worried about me seemingly just plodding on and waiting for better things to happen. I know that’s not how it was but I can see that’s how it looked. That is because I wasnt doing anything other than thinking. I was at least trying to think of ways to better my self but the problem is I was thinking too much and not taking enough action.
So I decided to just do something as a first stepping stone to whatever new future waits for me and Emi. Doing something, even a small step to progression, is much better than doing nothing at all and going round in circles. Starting this blog was the first step and I have been overwhelmed (in a good way) by the support I have received for my writing and sharing my story. That has been my way to process everything negative that has happened and to find a way to keep going. So in effect I was actually doing something to help myself months ago, I just didn’t realise what a big step it was for me then. I also start an Open University Degree in October (BA Honours English Language and Literature). I am as equally terrified as I am excited about this challenge. I never thought ever that I would study towards a degree as I have never really wanted to go to university. Now I have a full-time child I also would struggle to actually attend too. So this isn’t the perfect ideal that most people do but it is something and feels right for me. I already feel proud of myself for realising I can do this and for signing up! It also gives me a purpose on my evenings again to not waste them anymore wishing I had a partner by my side and instead thinking of what I am studying towards and focusing all my energy on that.
I have realised that when people advise you to live day by day and work it out as you go along,you say you will but don’t actually do it. In my situation, I have still just stressed about fixing things now all in one go and you simply can’t do that. Its impossible. So I have decided to stop beating myself up and am making minor steps to better my own future. Starting a blog has helped my recovery. Starting a degree is a huge step for me and im doing it in a way that means I am not tied to one location for three years if I choose not to be and at the moment still get to be here to take my daughter to nursery and do all the important stuff you only get to do for a limited period. I now have options and I didn’t feel that way before.
Things still hurt and I can’t say I’m happy I am in this situation because im not and I wish things didn’t happen this way. I would have a family unit in a heartbeat. But for my own progression as a person, that at least is in my own hands, I can make my own future and that’s what I intend to do. Whilst drinking in every moment I get to spend with the most gorgeous girl I know 😉 xxx