When its ok to say I am not ok

Before anyone thinks this particular blog is a cry for help or sympathy of some kind, let me put a few things straight. It really isn’t in any form.

I blog only as and when the mood really takes me. I blog because I want to share things that make me happy, such as milestones with my daughter. I also blog when I am feeling alone or particularly low, or like I want to express how I am feeling. It is the best sort of therapy to write and express how you feel and the bonus of it is that I know that if only one person reads and comments on my blog saying they know how I feel, I instantly feel a little better, a little less alone, all through simply sharing.

This weekend has hit me by surprise really. I have been doing really rather brilliantly considering. I have been enjoying my time with my little girl. I have been enjoying certain aspects of my own life. I have been busy and keeping going since I was left for a younger model last August. I have been getting through the days with my daughter, throwing around ideas about the future with regards to work plans etc, rediscovering hobbies that I personally enjoy and enjoying the little moments with her before she’s too cool and grown up to hang out with me.

We have also tried to establish some sort of access routine for Emis sake with her dad, which as you can imagine, can be up and down whilst emotions are still raw, but all in all, we are getting there, slowly.We see her dad every other weekend, so on those weekends it’s so much easier because she has two people to bounce off, two people to share the load. It doesn’t matter whats happened with regards to us, well it does to me obviously, but in terms of Emi she is still ours on those days and now its his focus and not his distraction, she has his attention and it is nice for her. She is happy so that is my main priority.

I don’t know if its slowing down this week after a hectic run over the last few months or Emi really noticing his absence on his weekend off and being a lot more clingy to me but something has just hit me like ive been smacked in the face this week.

As I have touched on before, the weekends are the hardest time as a single parent. Most weekends we are alone we just get on with things and we are fine. This weekend was different. I couldn’t move for the grief I felt. Just a general sadness overcame me and I wasted yesterday trying to keep Emi busy but in all honesty making a half-hearted attempt at it. A half-hearted attempt is better than no attempt, I know, but I hate not feeling myself. On days like that, Emi, my wonderful, intelligent and switched on three-year old will often say to me “Mommy, I miss you mom”. I may be there in physical being but I know exactly what she means and it breaks my heart.

All I felt I could do yesterday was lie on the sofa feeling blue, which obviously, with a three-year old, is impossible. When it happens, you really just need to lie in a quiet room, allowing yourself to get it out, then pick yourself up and get on with life again. With a very active little girl constantly demanding your time and attention 24/7, you simply cannot give your best on those days. You feel constantly guilty because she doesn’t deserve a depressed mom moping about the house. I am just thankful that these days are not everyday and seem to only hit me once in a while. But when they do come, I feel so low and I hate that I can’t shake it. A life trauma of any kind really does knock the life and soul out of you.

I have tried previously when I have felt this way reaching out to close friends, family or people who know whats happened, and in the start, when it was fresh, like the first month after he went, I had endless support and understanding for my situation. I am lucky to have friends and family that have offered their time and support when this happened to get me through those initial horrendous first few months. I do feel I would have crumbled under the weight of intense depression without them.

However, I have to admit, without wanting to sound harsh on anyone or like I am seeking sympathy, it has been made quite apparent to me that after a certain time frame, people do seem to take the feeling of “I thought you would be alright by now”, or “ahh, you will be fine, just keep busy.”. This is not to come down on anyone, not by any means, but I honestly see now that unless you have been through something personally, you can’t really relate to it or understand that pain and the torn feelings that come with it and their lasting effects on a person.

So I tend not to try to talk to anyone about it when I have these days now because without wanting to sound hard, once the initial shock of a heartbreak has passed, people generally are just not very interested in hearing about it. Its old news.You are after time perceived as negative, holding onto the past or seeking constant sympathy and it’s just not the case. So you cant help but feel alone, like there is something wrong with you for “still” feeling sad or hurting about it. People are uncomfortable with people grieving in any form or saying, actually, I am not ok. I feel at times its almost a taboo subject to be honest and say you’re not ok. People are much more at ease with hearing you’re fine and getting on with their day. It’s like you are expected to be perfect after a certain amount of time and I can safely say it doesn’t work that way.

There are highs and lows. The lows are really horrible and the disappointment and pain doesn’t go away. You just learn to try to manage it. So I think if this pain had taught me anything its to have a little more compassion for things that others are going though. I have honestly thought myself that people should get over things more quickly than they have. There are lots of occasions I can think of. Life is all about learning and I am at least grateful that this experience has given me a new perception of others and what they have to deal with. We all have our own personal struggles and only we can manage them until we feel ok. But more than anything I have become aware that there is no ETA for feeling ok. It will happen when it happens. x